只要性不要爱，高校流行“勾搭文化”

*** on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too
By KATE TAYLOR August 03, 2013
美国大学
只要性不要爱，高校流行“勾搭文化”
KATE TAYLOR 2013年08月03日
At 11 on a weeknight earlier this year, her work finished, a slim, pretty junior at the University of Pennsylvania did what she often does when she has a little free time. She texted her regular hookup — the guy she is sleeping with but not dating. What was he up to? He texted back: Come over. So she did. They watched a little TV, had *** and went to sleep.
今年早些时候的某个工作日晚上11点，宾夕法尼亚大学（University of Pennsylvania，简称宾大）一位苗条的大三美女在结束了一天的学习后，做了她有点空闲时间就往往会做的事：给她固定却不算约会过的床伴发了条信息，问他在干嘛。男生回复：来我这吧。于是她过去了。俩人看了会儿电视，做爱，睡觉。
Their relationship, she noted, is not about the meeting of two souls.
女生说，他们之间并不是两个灵魂的邂逅。
“We don’t really like each other in person, sober,” she said, adding that “we literally can’t sit down and have coffee.”
“严肃地说，我们并不是真的彼此倾心，”她说，“我们甚至没办法坐在一块喝咖啡。”
[要查看本图请先注册并登录]
Elizabeth D. Herman for The New York Times
对很多女生来说，上大学的首要工作是丰富自己的简历，而不是找男朋友，更别提找老公了。
Ask her why she hasn’t had a relationship at Penn, and she won’t complain about the [要查看本链接请先注册并登录] or men who won’t commit. Instead, she’ll talk about “cost-benefit” analyses and the “low risk and low investment costs” of hooking up.
问她为什么在大学里没谈过恋爱，她不会抱怨说是因为男人[要查看本链接请先注册并登录]或是不肯付出真心。相反，她会谈论“成本收益”的分析以及勾搭的“低风险、低投入”。
“I positioned myself in college in such a way that I can’t have a meaningful romantic relationship, because I’m always busy and the people that I am interested in are always busy, too,” she said.
“由于我自己总是忙得不可开交，而我心仪的对象们也不得闲暇，所以我认为在大学里我无法拥有一段有意义的浪漫感情，”她说。
“And I know everyone says, ‘Make time, make time,’ ” said the woman, who spoke on the condition of anonymity but agreed to be identified by her middle initial, which is A. “But there are so many other things going on in my life that I find so important that I just, like, can’t make time, and I don’t want to make time.”
“我知道每个人都说，‘挤点时间，再挤点，’”一位匿名接受采访但同意透露她中间名字的首字母是“A”的女生说。“但我生活中有太多其他的事情，它们太重要了，我没办法、也不愿意再挤点时间出来了。
It is by now pretty well understood that traditional dating in college has mostly gone the way of the landline, replaced by “hooking up” — an ambiguous term that can signify anything from *** out to oral *** to intercourse — without the emotional entanglement of a relationship.
到目前为止，人们已经能很好地理解大学里传统的约会像固定电话一样，大多都消失并被“勾搭”取代了。“勾搭”这个词含义丰富，可以表示从亲吻到***到性交的任何一种，而且都不带有谈恋爱的感情纠葛。
Until recently, those who studied the rise of hookup culture had generally assumed that it was driven by men, and that women were reluctant participants, more interested in romance than in casual ***ual encounters. But there is an increasing realization that young women are propelling it, too.
直到最近，那些研究勾搭文化兴起的人们还普遍以为这种文化是由男性驱动的，女性们的参与并非情愿，她们更喜欢浪漫而不是随便的性生活。但越来越多的人意识到，年轻女性对这种文化的发展也起到了推波助澜的作用。
Hanna Rosin, in her recent book, “[要查看本链接请先注册并登录],” argues that hooking up is a functional strategy for today’s hard-charging and ambitious young women, allowing them to have enjoyable *** lives while focusing most of their energy on academic and professional goals.
汉娜·罗森(Hanna Rosin)在她的新书[要查看本链接请先注册并登录](The End of Men)中提出，对如今强势又野心勃勃的年轻女性来说，勾搭是一种权宜之计，这使她们在集中精力追求学术和职业目标的同时能享受愉悦的性生活。
But others, like Susan Patton, the Princeton alumna and mother who in March [要查看本链接请先注册并登录] to The Daily Princetonian urging female undergraduates not to squander the chance to hunt for a husband on campus, say that de-emphasizing relationships in college works against women.
但其他人，如已为人母的普林斯顿大学(Princeton)校友苏珊·巴顿(Susan Patton)在3月写给《普林斯顿人日报》(The Daily Princetonian)的[要查看本链接请先注册并登录]劝说女大学生不要浪费在大学里找老公的机会。她说，大学里不重视谈恋爱的氛围对女生不利。
“For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you,” advised Ms. Patton, who has two sons, one a Princeton graduate and the other a current student. In many places, Ms. Patton was derided for wanting to return to the days of the “Mrs. degree,” though a few female writers, noting how hard it can be for women to find mates in their 30s, suggested that she might have a point. (Ms. Patton just landed a book deal with a division of Simon & Schuster.)
“对大部分女生来说，你们未来和幸福的基石将与你所嫁的男人息息相关，而毕业后你身边将永远不会再有这么多配得上你的优秀男人了，”巴顿女士说。她有两个儿子，一个已经毕业于普林斯顿，另一个是该校在校生。她想回到“学历夫人”（只是为嫁人而上大学的女人——译注）年代的想法备受嘲讽，不过也有少数女性作家同意她的观点，认为30多岁的女人要找到伴侣并不容易。（巴顿女士刚刚和西蒙舒斯特出版社[Simon & Schuster]的一个分公司签了出版协议。）
As lengthy interviews over the school year with more than 60 women at Penn indicated, the discussion is playing out in the lives of a generation of women facing both broader opportunities and greater pressures than perhaps any before, both of which helped shape their views on *** and relationships in college.
对60多位宾大女生进行的跨越一学年的详尽访谈显示，这样的讨论正不断出现在如今年轻一代女性的生活中，她们面对着可能比以往任何时候更丰富的机会和更沉重的压力，而这两点都影响了她们在大学阶段里性和感情观的形成。
Typical of elite universities today, Penn is filled with driven young women, many of whom aspire to be doctors, lawyers, politicians, bankers or corporate executives like Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg or Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. Keenly attuned to what might give them a competitive edge, especially in a time of unsure job prospects and a shaky economy, many of them approach college as a race to acquire credentials: top grades, leadership positions in student organizations, sought-after internships. Their time out of class is filled with club meetings, sports practice and community-service projects. For some, the only time they truly feel off the clock is when they are drinking at a campus bar or at one of the fraternities that line Locust Walk, the main artery of campus.
宾大是当今精英大学的典范：学校的年轻女生们个个都有壮志雄心，其中许多人渴望成为医生、律师、政治家、银行家或者像Facebook的雪莉·桑德伯格(Sheryl Sandberg)或雅虎(Yahoo)的玛丽莎·梅耶尔(Marissa Mayer)那样的企业高管。她们敏锐地投身于能带来竞争优势的领域，尤其是在这个就业前景不明朗、经济形势疲软的时期，她们中许多人把上大学作为一场资历竞赛：成绩优异、社团领袖、名企实习。她们的课外时间被各种社团会议、体育训练和社区服务项目占得满满当当。对一些女生而言，唯一让她们真正觉得放松的时刻是在校园酒吧或校园主干道洋槐步行道(Locust Walk)上某个联谊会里畅饮的时候。
These women said they saw building their résumés, not finding boyfriends (never mind husbands), as their main job at Penn. They envisioned their 20s as a period of unencumbered striving, when they might work at a bank in Hong Kong one year, then go to business school, then move to a corporate job in New York. The idea of lugging a relationship through all those transitions was hard for many to imagine. Almost universally, the women said they did not plan to marry until their late 20s or early 30s.
这些女生说，她们在宾大的主要任务是丰富自己的简历而不是找男朋友（更别提找老公了）。她们对自己30岁以前的展望是一段没有羁绊的奋斗历程：可能在香港某个银行工作一年，然后去读商学院，接着到纽约的一家公司当高管。对许多人来说，在这些过渡期中经营一段感情是无法想象的。几乎所有受访的女生都说她们要到30岁左右才打算结婚。
In this context, some women, like A., seized the opportunity to have *** without relationships, preferring “hookup buddies” (regular ***ual partners with little emotional commitment) to boyfriends. Others longed for boyfriends and deeper attachment. Some women described a dangerous edge to the hookup culture, of ***ual assaults and degrading encounters enabled by drinking and distinguished by a lack of emotional connection.
在这样的环境下，一些女生，比如A，抓住了可以享受鱼水之欢却不用维系感情的机会，她们更喜欢找“性伴侣”（不带感情承诺的固定性伙伴）而不是男朋友。其他女生则渴望寻找男朋友和感情。一些女性指出，勾搭文化的危险边界在于，在缺乏感情纽带的情况下醉酒会导致性侵犯和强迫性交。
The women interviewed came from all corners of Penn’s population. They belonged to sororities (or would never dream of it), reported for the school newspaper, sang or danced in performance groups, played sports. Some spent almost every weekend night at a “downtown” (a fraternity party at a nightclub, where men paid for bottle service) or at a campus bar. Others preferred holing up in the library or hanging out with the theater crowd. They came from all over the country, and as far away as China and Africa. Some had gone to elite private high schools; others were on full scholarship. They came from diverse racial backgrounds, and several were first-generation immigrants. They were found in a wide variety of ways, from chance encounters in coffee shops to introductions from friends.
我们采访的女生来自于宾大学生群的各个角落。她们有的来自于姐妹会（或从未向往过姐妹会），有的是校报记者，有的是表演团体的舞蹈或歌唱队员，还有的是运动员。有些人几乎在每个周末晚上都去“市中心”（也就是在夜总会里由男士负责买单的联谊会派对）或者泡在校园酒吧。另一些女生喜欢在图书馆钻研或者和音乐剧爱好者们出去逛逛。这些女生来自于美国各地，还有的从中国和非洲远道而来。有些人之前上的是精英私立高中，有些人拿着全额奖学金。她们的种族背景各不相同，有一部分还是第一代移民。与这些人的结识方式也各不相同，有的是在咖啡馆偶遇，有的则是朋友介绍。
Because they believed that talking publicly about *** could come back to haunt them — by damaging their reputations at Penn, their families’ opinions of them or their professional future — the women spoke on the condition that their full names would not be revealed. Most are identified by their first or middle names or by a middle initial. They spoke over the course of the academic year, often repeatedly and at length.
由于她们觉得公开谈论性这个话题会对自身有不利影响：损坏她们在学校的名誉、家人对她们的看法和未来职业生涯。接受采访的女性要求不能透露她们的全名。大部分受访者要求只显示她们的名或中间名，或者只允许说出中间名的首字母。在整个一学年中，调查者与她们进行了多次深入的交谈。
An Economic Calculation
一笔经济账
For A., college is an endless series of competitions: to get into student clubs, some of which demand multiple rounds of interviews; to be selected for special research projects and the choicest internships; and, in the end, to land the most elite job offers.
对A而言，大学意味着无尽的竞争：进入学生社团，有的社团要过关斩将地通过好几轮面试；入选特别研究项目或最出色的实习项目；以及最终拿下顶尖的职位。
As A. explained her schedule, “If I’m sober, I’m working.”
A在描述她的日程安排时说，“凡是清醒的时候我都在努力。”
In such an overburdened college life, she said, it was rare for her and her friends to find a relationship worth investing time in, and many people avoided commitment because they assumed that someone better would always come along.
她说，在如此高负荷的大学生活下，她和她朋友要想找到一份值得花时间经营的感情的机率很小，而且许多人由于认为在今后会遇到更好对象而逃避承诺。
“We are very aware of cost-benefit issues and trading up and trading down, so no one wants to be too tied to someone that, you know, may not be the person they want to be with in a couple of months,” she said.
“我们都懂成本效益，明白什么是随高就低，因此没人愿意和某个人绑得太紧，因为几个月后你可能就不想和他相处了，”她说。
Instead, she enjoyed casual *** on her terms — often late at night, after a few drinks, and never at her place, she noted, because then she would have to wash the sheets.
相反，她挺享受按她的要求进行的随意性生活——通常是在深夜的几杯酒过后，而且她说从不允许对方待在她的房间，因为这样一来她就得洗床单了。
Nationally, women now outnumber men in college enrollment by 4 to 3 and outperform them in graduation rates and advanced degrees. Some researchers have argued that the gender imbalance fosters a culture of hooking up because men, as the minority, hold more power in the ***ual marketplace, and they prefer casual *** to long-term relationships.
从全美来看，目前大学里女生和男生人数比为4:3，而女生的毕业率和高学历持有比例比男生高。一些研究人士辩称，性别失衡才导致了勾搭文化的产生，因为男生作为少数派在性爱市场掌握着更多的权力，且他们偏向于随意性爱而不是建立长期恋爱关系。
But Elizabeth A. Armstrong, a sociologist at the University of Michigan who studies young women’s ***uality, said that women at elite universities were choosing hookups because they saw relationships as too demanding and potentially too distracting from their goals.
但密歇根大学(University of Michigan)研究年轻女性性行为的社会学家伊丽莎白·阿姆斯特朗(Elizabeth A. Armstrong)说，名校女生们选择勾搭是由于她们认为谈恋爱的要求太高，而且可能妨碍她们的目标。
In interviews, “Some of them actually said things like, ‘A relationship is like taking a four-credit class,’ or ‘I could get in a relationship, or I could finish my film,’ ” Dr. Armstrong said.
在采访中，“一些人竟然会说，‘谈恋爱像是上一门4个学分的课’，或是‘我可以去谈个恋爱，但我也能用这段时间来拍完我的电影’，”阿姆斯特朗博士说。
Increasingly, she said, many privileged young people see college as a unique life stage in which they don’t — and shouldn’t — have obligations other than their own self-development.
她说，许多天之骄子越来越把大学视为一个独特的人生阶段，在这一段时间里他们不会也不该为除了自我发展以外的事担负义务。
Women say, “ ‘I need to take this time for myself — I’m going to have plenty of time to focus on my husband and kids later,’ ” Dr. Armstrong said. “ ‘I need to invest in my career, I need to learn how to be independent, I need to travel.’ People use this reference to this life stage to claim a lot of space for a lot of different kinds of things.”
阿姆斯特朗博士表示，女生们说，“我要把这段时间花在自己身上，以后等有大把时间了再考虑丈夫和孩子的事”，“我要为自己的事业投资，要学会独立生活，要去旅行”。人们用这样的例子来定义人生的这一阶段，声称要做许多不同的事。
Some women also want to wait to see how men turn out as they advance through their 20s.
一些姑娘们也想观望男人在奔三的路上会成为什么样的人。
A., for example, said that she did not want to settle down until she could choose a partner knowing that his goals and values were fixed.
比如A，她说在选到一个目标和价值观都已成形的伴侣之前，她不想安定下来。
“‘I’ve always heard this phrase, ‘Oh, marriage is great, or relationships are great — you get to go on this journey of change together,’ ” she said. “That sounds terrible.
“我总是听到这样的说法，‘噢，婚姻太美好了，谈恋爱真美妙，因为能和爱人一起走在成长变化的路上，’”她说，“这听上去很恐怖。”
“I don’t want to go through those changes with you. I want you to have changed and become enough of your own person so that when you meet me, we can have a stable life and be very happy.”
“我不想和你一起经历那些改变。我希望你已经改变并且成为足够成熟的自己，这样当我们相遇的时候，能幸福美满地过上安定的生活。”
In the meantime, from A.’s perspective, she was in charge of her own ***uality.
同时，A认为她才是自己性生活的主人。
“I definitely wouldn’t say I’ve regretted any of my one-night stands,” she said.
“我对自己所有的一夜情都不后悔，”她说。
“I’m a true feminist,” she added. “I’m a strong woman. I know what I want.”
“我是个绝对的女权主义者，”她补充道。“我是个坚强的人，知道自己要什么。”
At the same time, she didn’t want the number of people she had slept with printed, and she said it was important to her to keep her ***ual life separate from her image as a leader at Penn.
同时，她不希望公开她睡过的男人有多少。她说，为了不影响她在宾大的学生领袖形象，自己的私生活保密很重要。
“Ten years from now, no one will remember — I will not remember — who I have slept with,” A. said. “But I will remember, like, my transcript, because it’s still there. I will remember what I did. I will remember my accomplishments and places my name is hung on campus.”
“10年之后，包括我自己，没有人会记得我睡过谁，”A说。“但我会记得我的成绩，因为它还在那里。我会记得我做过的事，会记得我的成就和校园里挂我名字的位置。”
Independent Women
独立的女性
Susan Patton says women like A. are *** a mistake.
苏珊·巴顿说，像A这样的女孩们是在犯错误。
Ms. Patton, who graduated from Princeton in 1977 and is now a human resources consultant in New York, said in an interview that she wrote her letter after attending a conference on Princeton’s campus, where she took part in a discussion about careers with a group of female students. At one point, she asked the young women if any of them wanted to marry and have children. They at first appeared shocked by the question, then looked at one another for reassurance before, she said, “sheepishly” raising their hands.
巴顿女士1977年毕业于普林斯顿大学，目前是纽约的一名人力资源顾问。她在一次访谈中说，那封信是在参加完普林斯顿大学的一次会议后写的，在会上她和一群女学生讨论了事业的话题。当她问那些年轻姑娘们是否想要结婚生子时，姑娘们先是表现出被这个问题震惊的表情，然后和组员们面面相觑，直到互相肯定时才“怯怯地”举起了手。
“I thought, ‘My gosh, what have we come to that these brilliant young women are afraid to say that marriage and children are significant parts of what they view as their lifelong happiness?’ ” Ms. Patton said.
“我在想，‘天啊，这些年轻优秀的姑娘们是怎么了，居然害怕承认婚姻和孩子是她们所理解的终身幸福的关键部分？’”巴顿女士说。
“They have gotten such strong, vitriolic messages from the extreme feminists saying, ‘Go it alone — you don’t need a man,’ ” she added.
“她们深受极端女权主义的说辞影响。比如，‘走自己的路吧，你不需要男人，’”她补充道。
But, in fact, many of the Penn women said that warnings not to become overly involved in a relationship came not from feminists, but from their parents, who urged them to be independent.
但事实上，许多宾大的女生说警告她们不要太过于投入到感情中的不是女权主义者，而是敦促她们独立自主的父母。
“That’s one thing that my mom has always instilled in me: ‘Make decisions for yourself, not for a guy,’ ” one senior at Penn said.
“我母亲一直在灌输给我的一个观念就是：‘为自己做决定，别迁就男人，’”宾大一名大四女生说。
A friend of hers, who attended a nearby college and did have a serious boyfriend, said that she felt as if she were breaking a social taboo. “Am I allowed to find the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with when I’m 19?” she said. “I don’t really know. It feels like I’m not.”
她有个朋友就读于附近的大学，并且有个正式交往的男朋友。这个朋友说，她觉得像是打破了社会禁忌。“我可以在19岁的时候就找到一个想共度余生的人吗？”她说。“我不确定答案，但我感觉好像不应该这么做。”
Even if they did meet someone they were interested in, some women said the logistics of a relationship were just too hard. Some described extracurricular commitments — running debate tournaments for local high school students, or organizing Model United Nations conferences — that took up 30 to 40 hours a week, and came on top of going to class, doing homework and, in the case of less-wealthy students, work-study jobs. Some relationships ended, or never got off the ground, simply because schedules didn’t align.
一些女生说，即使她们真的遇到了心仪的人，可挤出时间经营一段恋情太困难了。一些人表示，课外活动，比如为当地高中生举办的辩论赛或组织模拟联合国大会每周要占据她们30至40个小时，这还不包括上课、完成作业以及打工（对不富裕的学生而言）。有些感情戛然而止或是未能萌芽仅仅是因为时间上不允许。
Moreover, by senior year, the looming prospect of graduation and job applications made many students leery of dating.
此外，到了大四，考虑到毕业和申请工作的时间越来越近，许多学生对约会望而生畏。
“There’s this hypothetical, ‘I would like to be in a relationship, because it’s like comforting and stable and supportive,’ ” a senior, Pallavi, said of her friends’ attitudes. “But then, the conversations that I’ve had, it’s always like, ‘Well, then what do I do when we get to May, because we’re graduating, and so where do we go from there?’ That uncertainty is a huge sort of stop sign.”
“人们通常会假设，‘我想要有一段感情，因为这让人觉得安慰、稳定和有支持感，’”大四女生帕拉维(Pallavi)说起她朋友的态度时称。“但接下来的对话总是，‘那么到了5月我该怎么办，毕业了我们怎么继续？’这样的不确定性是让感情止步的指示牌。”
She had dated a few men in college but said that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to get married. With the economy changing, and people less likely to have straight career tracks, she thought that the uncertainty and the need to be mobile might discourage people from marrying.
帕拉维在大学里曾经约会过几个男人，但她说并不确定自己是否想结婚。随着经济形势的变化，人们的职业轨迹变得难以捉摸，这样的不确定和不安定可能会导致人们不愿意结婚。
For herself, she was planning to stay in Philadelphia for two years to pursue a master’s degree part time while working for the university, then possibly get a Ph.D. and a law degree somewhere else. That pretty much precluded a serious relationship, she said.
对她自己而言，她打算毕业后在费城再待两年，一边在学校兼职一边攻读硕士学位，然后可能去其他学校读博士和法学学位。这样的规划基本上使恋爱无望了，她说。
“Hypothetically, if I were to enter into a serious relationship with someone right now,” she said, “would I honestly say to them: ‘We’re going to spend two years in Philadelphia, and then with some kind of crazy luck I’m going to spend eight years somewhere else? And God knows what you would have been doing for the two years that we were still in Philadelphia — you either would have to up and leave with me, or we’d have to do a long-distance.’ That’s just too much to even ask anyone to commit to.”
“假设我要和某人开始一段认真的感情，”她说，“我难道要老实告诉他：‘我们要在费城待两年，然后能走大运的话我要去另一个地方生活八年？我也不知道在费城的两年里你会做些什么，你要么跟我分手，要么跟我异地恋。’要求任何人做这样的承诺都过分了。”
Adapt, Have Fun
适应环境，享受乐趣
Some women went to college wanting a relationship, but when that seemed unlikely, they embraced hooking up as the best alternative. M., an athletic freshman with long legs and a button nose, arrived at college a virgin and planned to wait to have *** until she had her first boyfriend, something she expected to happen in college. But over the course of the fall, as she saw very few students forming relationships, she began to lose hope about finding a boyfriend and to see her virginity as a hindrance.
一些女生刚上大学的时候想要的是感情，但随着这样的可能性越来越小，她们开始把勾搭作为最合适的替代方式。M是一名运动员新生，长着大长腿和塌鼻梁，进大学时她还是处女，并且计划等交到第一个男朋友时再共度初夜，这是她对大学的期待。但随着秋季学期的结束，她发现没几个同学谈恋爱，这时她对找到男朋友不再抱有希望，反而觉得她的童贞成了一种障碍。
“I could be here for four years and not date anyone,” she said she realized. “Sometimes you are out, and there’s a guy you really are attracted to, and you kind of want to go back home with him, but you kind of have that underlying, ‘I can’t, because I can’t just lose my V-card to some random guy.’ ”
“我可能在这里待四年却不跟任何人约会，”她意识到。“有时候你出去玩，遇到一个让你真正动心的男人，有点想跟他回家，但又有点潜在的想法‘我不能，因为我不能让一个偶尔遇到的男人夺走我的初夜’。”
At a party in the spring semester, she was taking a break from dancing when she ran into a guy she had had a class with in the fall. They started talking, then danced until the party was over. M. went back to his room, where they talked some more and then started *** out.
在春季学期的一个派对上，她从舞池里下来休息时碰到了去年秋季在课上认识的男生。他们开始聊天，然后一直跳舞到派对结束。M去了他的房间，继续聊了会儿便开始亲热。
By this time, she said, “I wasn’t very drunk — I was close to sober,” which made her believe she could make a considered decision.
她说，那次“我并没有很醉，几乎是完全清醒的，”因此她相信自己做的决定会是经过考虑的。
“I’m like, ‘O.K., I could do this now,’ ” she recalled thinking. “ ‘He’s superhot, I like him, he’s nice. But I’m not going to expect anything out of it, either.’ ”
“我想，‘好吧，我现在可以这么做，’”她回忆自己当时的想法。“这男生很帅，我喜欢他，人也不错。但我不会期盼能有进一步的发展。”
The alternative, she said, was that “I could take the chance that one night I get really drunk and sleep with someone that I don’t want to sleep with, which probably is what would have ended up happening.”
她说，如果这次不做，可能“我会在某个喝得烂醉的晚上跟不喜欢的人上床，这样的可能性很高”。
So she had *** with him. In the morning, he walked her home.
因此她和这位帅哥发生了关系。第二天早上男生陪M走回了宿舍。
“Honestly, all of my friends, they’re super envious, because I came back with the biggest smile on my face,” M. said. As she had expected, she and the guy remained friendly but nothing more. Yet she was still happy with her decision.
“老实说，我所有的朋友都对我十分嫉妒，因为我回去的时候脸上洋溢着笑容，”M说。正如她所想，她和这个男生成了朋友，但没有进一步发展。不过她对自己当初的决定仍觉得满意。
“All of my friends are jealous, because I had such a great first experience,” she added. Over spring break, she slept with someone else.
“我的初次经历如此美好，让许多朋友大为嫉妒，”她补充道。在春假的时候，她和其他人发生了关系。
In general, she said, she thought that guys at Penn controlled the hookup culture. But women played a role as well.
总体来说，她觉得宾大的男生控制着勾搭文化，但女生也起了一定作用。
“It’s kind of like a spiral,” she said. “The girls adapt a little bit, because they stop expecting that they’re going to get a boyfriend — because if that’s all you’re trying to do, you’re going to be miserable. But at the same time, they want to, like, have contact with guys.” So they hook up and “try not to get attached.”
“这有点像是螺旋形的过程，”她说，“女生们有点适应了，因为她们不再期待能找到个男朋友，要是一心想找个男朋友，会很痛苦。但同时，她们又想和男生们接触。”所以女生们开始勾搭并且“不投入感情”。
Now, she said, she and her best friend had changed their romantic goals, from finding boyfriends to finding “hookup buddies,” which she described as “a guy that we don’t actually really like his personality, but we think is really attractive and hot and good in bed.”
她说，现在她和闺蜜都改变了目标，不再奢望能找到男朋友了，转而去找“勾搭伙伴”，她把这样的伙伴定义为“我们并不一定喜欢他的性格，但他既帅又有魅力，而且在床上也不赖”。
The Default Is Yes
默认的回答是“我愿意”
For many Penn students, their initiation into the ***ual culture takes place at fraternity parties during [要查看本链接请先注册并登录], a five-day period before classes start in the fall, which, along with [要查看本链接请先注册并登录] in April, is known as the biggest partying time of the year.
对宾大的许多学生来说，他们开始接触性文化，一是在秋季开学前为期五天的[要查看本链接请先注册并登录](New Student Orientation)联谊会派对，二是在4月的全年最大狂欢节——[要查看本链接请先注册并登录](Spring Fling)。
“You go in, and they take you down to a dark basement,” Haley, a blond, pink-cheeked senior, recalled of her first frat parties in freshman year. “There’s girls dancing in the middle, and there’s guys lurking on the sides and then coming and basically pressing their genitals up against you and trying to dance.”
“你一进去，他们就带你到黑漆漆的地下室，”粉颊金发的大四女生哈利(Haley)回忆她的第一次联谊会派对时说。“女生们在中间跳舞，男生们在一旁寻找猎物，找到目标后贴上来，基本上把他们的那话儿顶到女生身上开始跳舞。
Dancing like that felt good but dirty, and like a number of girls, Haley said she had to be drunk in order to enjoy it. Women said universally that hookups could not exist without alcohol, because they were for the most part too uncomfortable to pair off with men they did not know well without being drunk. One girl, explaining why her encounters freshman and sophomore year often ended with fellatio, said that usually by the time she got back to a guy’s room, she was starting to sober up and didn’t want to be there anymore, and giving the guy oral *** was an easy way to wrap things up and leave.
那样跳舞虽然感觉不错但也下流，而且和一些女生一样，哈利说她必须喝醉了才能享受这样的过程。女生们普遍表示，勾搭的前提是酒精，因为她们要是不喝醉的话，大多都不能放开了跟不熟悉的男人配对热舞。有个女孩说，她在大一大二的时候经常跟勾搭的男生以***结束。她解释称，走到男生的房间时她已经开始有点清醒了，便不愿意再待在那儿，这时最容易的应付方法就是给男人***然后走人。
In November of Haley’s freshman year, a couple of months after her first tentative “Difmos,” or dance-floor makeouts, she went to a party with a boy from her floor. She had too much to drink, and she remembered telling him that she wanted to go home.
初次尝试舞池亲热的几个月后，哈利在大一那年的11月份和同楼层的一个男生去参加了一场派对。她记得自己喝多了，跟男生说想回宿舍。
Instead, she said, he took her to his room and had *** with her while she drifted in and out of consciousness. She woke up with her head spinning. The next day, not sure what to think about what had happened, she described the night to her friends as though it were a funny story: I was so drunk, I fell asleep while I was having ***! She played up the moment in the middle of the night when the guy’s roommate poked his head in the room and asked, “Yo, did you score?”
结果，她说，男生却带她去了自己的房间，在她几乎快没意识的时候跟她上了床。醒来的时候她感觉天旋地转。第二天，由于不清楚发生了什么又有点迷茫，她找朋友倾诉时说得像个搞笑的故事一样：我实在太醉了，在做爱的时候居然睡着了！她记得在半夜的时候男生的舍友回来，把头探进房内问，“嘿，你做了没？”
Only later did Haley begin to think of what had happened as rape — a disturbingly common part of many women’s college experience. In a [要查看本链接请先注册并登录] funded by the Justice Department of 6,800 undergraduates at two big public universities, nearly 14 percent of women said they had been victims of at least one completed ***ual assault at college; more than half of the victims said they were incapacitated from drugs or alcohol at the time.
直到后来哈利才开始觉得那件事属于强奸——许多女生的大学经历中让人不安的常见一幕。美国司法部(Justice Department)[要查看本链接请先注册并登录]显示，在两所大型公立大学的6800名大学生中，近14%的女生说她们在大学里被性侵过至少一次；超过半数的受害人说当时受酒精或药物的影响无力反抗。
The close relationship between hooking up and drinking leads to confusion and disagreement about the line between a “bad hookup” and assault. In 2009, 2010 and 2011, 10 to 16 forcible *** offenses were reported annually to campus security as taking place on Penn’s campus or in the immediate neighborhood.
勾搭和酒精之间的紧密联系使得“不愉快的勾搭”和性侵犯之间的界线不清、理解不一。从2009年至2011年，宾大校警每年收到10至16起发生在校园内或周围的性侵报告。
In January, [要查看本链接请先注册并登录] that it was forming a commission, led by a faculty member, to study the impact of alcohol and drug use on campus, with a particular focus on ***ual violence.
在1月份，[要查看本链接请先注册并登录]成立由教职工领导的委员会，研究大学校园酒精和药物使用的影响，特别关注性暴力方面。
When drinking is involved, Haley said, “Guys assume that the default answer is always yes.”
哈利说，女人喝酒之后，“男人们假设她们默认的回答是我愿意。”
“I think a lot of guys get the idea: ‘O.K., this girl’s coming to this party, and she’s drinking. That means her goal of the night is to hook up with somebody,’ ” she said. “They’re like, ‘O.K., she came out, and if she dressed like that, it must mean that she wanted to hook up.’ ”
“我认为许多男人觉得：‘既然这个女孩来参加派对，而且在喝酒，那就意味着她今晚的目的是勾搭个男人，’”她说，“还有的人会想，‘既然她出来玩，还穿得这么诱人，那她肯定是想找人勾搭了。’”
A friend of hers, Kristy, shared a story about a different kind of coercion. She had been *** out with a guy at his house, not sure how far she wanted to go, when he stood up and told her, “Get down on your knees.”
她的一个朋友克里斯蒂(Kristy)跟她说了另一种被强迫性交的情况。她和一个男生在他房间里亲热，不清楚自己想跟他进展到哪一步，这时他站起来跟她说，“跪下。”
At first she froze. “I was really taken aback, because I was like, no one has ever said that to me before,” she said. Then he said something like, “ ‘I think that’s fair,’ ” she recalled. When she still hesitated, he pushed her down.
刚开始她呆住了。“我吓了一大跳，因为以前从来没人对我这么说过，”她说。然后那个男生说，“这不过分吧，”她回忆道。当她还在犹豫的时候，男生把她压了下去。
“It was at that point that I was like, ‘I’ll just do it,’ ” she said. “I was like, ‘ “It will be over soon enough.’ ”
“在那时候我想，‘那就做吧，’”她说。“我想，‘很快会结束的。’”
Paula England, a sociologist at New York University, who led an online survey of 24,000 students at 21 universities called the Online College Social Life Survey, said that women tended to fare much better ***ually in relationships than in hookups.
纽约大学(New York University)社会学家保拉·英格兰(Paula England)在网上牵头做了一份调查，有21所大学的2.4万名学生参与，调查名为“大学社交生活在线调查”(Online College Social Life Survey)。她说女生在谈恋爱中的性生活比在勾搭中感觉好很多。
“Guys don’t seem to care as much about women’s pleasure in the hookup, whereas they do seem to care quite a bit in the relationships,” Dr. England said. By contrast, women “seem to have this idea they’re supposed to be pleasing in both contexts.” In hookups, women were much more likely to give men oral *** than to receive it.
“在勾搭的时候，男性基本不会在乎女性的感受，而在谈恋爱的时候却相当在意，”英格兰博士说。相反，女性“似乎认为她们在这两种情况下都应该讨对方欢心”。在勾搭时，女方给男方***的可能性更高。
Part of the reason men aren’t as focused on pleasing women in hookups, Dr. England said, is the lingering ***ual double standard, which sometimes causes men to disrespect women precisely for hooking up with them.
英格兰博士说，在勾搭过程中，男方没有女方那么注意讨好对方，一部分原因是由于残留的性别双重标准，有时候男性恰恰会因为女性随便跟他们勾搭而不尊重她们。
There is judgment from other women, too — two women said they had been rejected from sororities because of their ***ual reputations. And technology has made it easier to spread gossip. One woman recalled a guy showing her an e-mail he had received on his fraternity Listserv, in which another guy described having *** with a girl in the bathroom at a club.
其他女生也会批判她们——两名女生由于在性事上名声不好而被拒绝加入姐妹会。而现在的技术手段使八卦的传播比以往更容易。一位女生回想起某位男生给她展示的一份来自兄弟会邮件列表服务器的群发邮件。邮件中，另一个男生讲述了他在俱乐部的洗手间和女生做爱的事。
“They’re not afraid to use names,” she said of the men, adding, “I’m sure there’s been a story about me on a Listserv. It happens to everyone.”
“他们不担心说出女生的名字，”说起男生，她补充道，“我肯定在某个邮件列表服务器上有关于我的事，每个人都会被说。”
Opting Out
主动退出
For all the focus on hookups, campuses are not ***ual free-for-alls, at Penn or elsewhere. At colleges nationally, by senior year, 4 in 10 students are either virgins or have had intercourse with only one person, according to the Online College Social Life Survey. Nearly 3 in 10 said that they had never had a hookup in college. Meanwhile, 20 percent of women and a quarter of men said they had hooked up with 10 or more people.
虽然有这么多人爱勾搭，但不是所有大学生同意随意性交，在宾大和其他地方都是如此。大学社交生活在线调查结果显示，在全美的大学里，大四学生中有四成仍是处子或只和一位对象发生过性关系。近三成人说他们在大学里从没有勾搭过。同时，两成女生和四分之一男生说他们跟10人或10人以上勾搭过。
Mercedes, a junior at Penn who is on financial aid, said that at her mostly Latino public high school in California, it was the troubled and unmotivated students who drank and hooked up, while the honors students who wanted to go to college kept away from those things.
梅塞德斯(Mercedes)是一名大三学生，靠助学金在宾大就读。她说，在她此前就学的加州公立高中里大多数是拉丁裔学生，只有问题学生和不上进的学生才会喝酒勾搭，而想上大学的优秀学生从不接触那些事。
When she went to Penn, she was surprised to see her elite classmates drinking, but even more surprised by the casual *** out. She would go along with her friends to fraternity parties, but she refused to dance with strangers or to kiss anyone.
当她在宾大上学时，看到那些精英同学们喝酒感觉很惊讶，可当她看到那些随便的亲热时，她更是惊呆了。她会和朋友们一起去联谊会聚会，但决不跟陌生人跳舞，也不跟任何人接吻。
“Sharing that side of myself with a stranger just seems very strange to me,” she said in September. “I mean, if you break it down, it’s a very strange thing to do.”
“对我来说，和陌生人分享自己私密的一面显得非常荒唐，”去年9月份时她说。“我的意思是，如果你仔细想想，这么做多不可理喻啊。”
Her unease was common among students from relatively modest backgrounds, said Dr. Armstrong, the University of Michigan sociologist. In one study, conducted with Laura Hamilton, now a professor at the University of California, Merced, Dr. Armstrong followed roughly 50 women from their freshman year at Indiana University in 2004 until the end of their college careers. They found that the women from wealthier backgrounds were much more likely to hook up, more interested in postponing adult responsibilities and warier of serious romantic commitment than their less-affluent classmates.
密歇根大学社会学家阿姆斯特朗博士说，对来自相对普通家庭的学生而言，她的不安是很常见的。阿姆斯特朗博士和加州大学默塞德分校(University of California, Merced)的教授劳拉·汉密尔顿(Laura Hamilton)共同进行了一项研究，在2004年对印第安纳大学(Indiana University)约50名女生进行了追踪调查，从大一开始直到她们毕业。她们发现，和家境一般的学生相比，来自富裕家庭的女生勾搭的可能性更高，她们更倾向于推迟承担成年人的责任，对感情承诺更为谨慎。
The women from less-privileged backgrounds looked at their classmates who got drunk and hooked up as immature.
而家境一般的女生觉得那些成天醉熏熏、乱勾搭的同学很幼稚。
At Penn, Mercedes said: “Everyone else seemed to live life, not really care about what they were doing. Like, ‘You’re only young once,’ they had that sort of mentality. And I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be, like, free-spirited, and not really care about the consequences of my actions.”
在宾大，梅赛德斯说：“好像每个人都想把生活过到极致，不介意自己做的事。比如，‘你只能年轻一次，’他们的心态是这样的。而我不明白为什么我不能像他们那样，没有思想包袱，对自己的行为不计后果。”
She added, “Nothing is stopping me from rebelling. I just didn’t rebel.”
她补充说：“没什么能阻止我叛逆，我只是不去叛逆而已。”
By the start of her junior year, Mercedes had still never kissed anyone. Then in the fall, she found herself often getting into late-night conversations with a boy in her dorm. They talked about their studies, their families, politics. One weekend he invited her to a poetry slam off campus. The next night, they shyly confessed that they liked each other and had their first kiss.
到刚上大三的时候，梅塞德斯仍没有吻过任何人。接着到了秋天，她经常和宿舍里的一个男生聊到很晚。他们聊学习、家庭、政治。一个周末男生邀请她去校外的诗歌会。第二天晚上，他们俩害羞地向对方坦白了自己的好感，献出了初吻。
Interviewed again in the spring, she said things were proceeding slowly but steadily. The two never had to hook up. They were just dating, getting to know each other in the old-fashioned way.
春天我们再次采访她的时候，她说他们感情在缓慢稳定地发展中。双方都没有跟任何人勾搭过，单纯地约会，用传统的方式了解彼此。
Physically, they had not gone further than *** out, Mercedes said, and she thought she might want to wait to have *** until marriage. “It’s not like I’m doing it because of my reputation,” she said. “It’s not because a religion tells me to wait. I think of it more as, this is the way I want to emotionally connect to someone, and I think that only a person who deserves me to be emotionally attached to them should have that opportunity to see me in that way.”
梅塞德斯说，在身体接触方面，他们除了亲热，还没有更进一步，而且她觉得可能要等到结婚的时候再做爱。“我这么做不是为了维护自己的名誉，”她说，“也不是因为宗教信仰要求我等到那时候。我的理解是，这是我想要和一个人感情上相结合的方式，我觉得只有值得让我托付感情的那个人才能看到我最私密的一面。”
Romantics
浪漫爱情
Catherine, a Penn senior, had found hooking up in college to be a continual source of heartbreak. She had repeatedly made the mistake of thinking that because she was sleeping with someone, they were in a relationship, only to be disabused when the guy broke things off abruptly. The only glimmer of light had been a friendship with a guy she had met while studying abroad in Ireland, which blossomed into a romance just before she had to leave. Although, because of the distance, they ended up not pursuing a relationship, the experience had given her hope for the future.
宾大大四的学生凯瑟琳(Catherine)发现在大学里勾搭带来了无尽的心碎。她一直重复着同样的错误，认为只要她跟谁上床，就意味着他们开始谈恋爱了，直到男生突然跟她撇清关系，她才清醒过来。唯一的小火苗是她在爱尔兰留学时和一个男生的友谊，直到她要离开时才燃烧起来。虽然由于异地的原因他们不能发展成情侣，但这段经历使她对未来有了希望。
In Catherine’s view, her classmates tried very hard to separate *** from emotion, because they believed that getting too attached to someone would interfere with their work. They saw a woman’s marrying young as either proof of a lack of ambition or a tragic mistake that would stunt her career.
在凯瑟琳看来，她的同学们由于坚信对他人过于依赖会影响工作，努力把性和情感分开。她们觉得女人如果太年轻就结婚，不是没有抱负就是妨碍事业的悲剧。
But Catherine noted that a handful of young women are starting to question that idea. In an article on Slate titled “[要查看本链接请先注册并登录],” the writer Julia Shaw, who married at 23, said her generation was missing out on the support that young couples could provide each other as they faced the challenges of early adulthood.
但是凯瑟琳也指出，不少年轻女性开始质疑这种观点。在网络杂志Slate上的一篇名为[要查看本链接请先注册并登录](Marry Young)的文章中，23岁就结婚的作者朱莉娅·肖(Julia Shaw)说她这代人错过了刚步入社会时，小两口在挑战中相互扶持的美好经历。
“Marriage wasn’t something we did after we’d grown up, it was how we have grown up and grown together,” she wrote of herself and her husband.
“结婚不是成熟之后做的事，而是我们怎样一起成长成熟，”她这样描写自己和丈夫的婚姻。
As a teenager, Catherine had thought she would wait to get married until her late 20s or early 30s. But her college experiences had made her think that she would rather marry young than throw away a good relationship because it wasn’t the right time.
在十几岁的时候，凯瑟琳觉得她会等到30岁左右再结婚。但大学经历让她觉得与其因时机不对而扔掉一段美好的感情，不如趁早结婚。
That might mean having to pass up certain career opportunities, for geographic reasons. But Catherine thought that her peers underestimated how hard it was to find the right person to be with — as hard, perhaps, as finding the right job.
这可能意味着她会因为地域原因而错失一些职业机会。但凯瑟琳觉得她的同龄人们低估了找到合适对象的难度，那可能并不比找份好工作容易。
“People kind of discount” how “difficult it is to find someone that you even remotely like, let alone really fall for,” she said. “And losing that can be just as impractical and harmful to yourself, if not more so, than missing out on a job or something like that. What else do you really have at the end of your life?”
“人们低估了找一个你有一点点喜欢的人有多难，更别说是找心仪的爱人了，”她说，“而错过爱人，伤害不比错过工作机会或类似的机会更小，甚至更大。毕竟，在生命的最后，你真正能拥有的是什么呢？”